Charlie and Ruth take a whack at a hypothetical branding campaign, to increase their chances of being called up by Donald Trump for the next round of “Celebrity Apprentice”.

Ruth: Charlie, I need you to put your thinking cap on! Let’s say a fledgling new vineyard up in Napa Valley is looking to attract successful women who drink loads of chardonnay. We could land the account by developing a compelling brand identity for them.
Charlie: You’re in luck. I live in a town full of chardonnay’d vixens. Banking towns are lousy with ‘em. But wait a minute – I think you’re talking about something with a little more class. I’m picturing knock-kneed post-grads spilling fruity cocktails, talking too loudly, laughing at anything and hoping for a man with a fat wallet and flat stomach.

Ruth: A full head of hair is also money in the bank with the Mango Martini crowd, whether you’re in Charlotte or Phoenix. With an obvious nod to Dos Equis, one theme we could explore might be The Most Interesting Woman in the World. Why don’t we take a shot at that, and see if she resonates with the vineyard’s brand personality? Where should we start with her vital traits?

Charlie: At any given moment, she should both care very much and mind very little.
Ruth: She never, ever tries on a bikini before she buys it.

Charlie: She likes to eat cheeseburgers on the hood of her Mustang, barefoot and wearing a sundress.
Ruth: She changes her own oil. And refuses to drive anything but a stick shift.

Charlie: While shooting pool, she tells me she’s a huge Van Morrison fan.
Ruth: Her body matches what her eyes can do.

Charlie: She once spent a summer in Zimbabwe, and was adopted by a local tribe there.
Ruth: She turned down a date with Zac Efron. That may not seem like much, but if you’ve seen “17 Again”, you know that it is.

Charlie: She loves pouring herself into an evening gown as much as she loves slipping into her gray fuzzy sweatpants.
Ruth: She’s never had a wardrobe malfunction. Even from the high dive.

Ruth: Okay, Charlie. We’ve had our fun labeling this woman. But it’s time to drill down into the invisible essence of who The Most Interesting Woman in the World is, and this is where we might diverge from reality TV:

• She gives her heart and soul with equal intensity.
• She never settles, although she innately knows when to compromise for the greater good of the people she loves.

Charlie: It has to be a thing of irony, wouldn’t it? For a woman that’s truly that interesting – do you think she’d even want the title of The Most Interesting Woman in the World? She seems like the woman who would probably laugh a full-throated, good-natured laugh at such a thing. While sipping our fine, fine chardonnay, of course. Hey, maybe that’s the hook.

Ruth: I think you’re on to something! But here’s the kicker: my gut says our brand evangelist, the true heroine of this up-and-coming chardonnay has earned the natural lines in her face. Her visage is not frozen by botox, or surgically repaired to mimic an earlier time in her history. She accepts her laugh lines (and imperceptible remnants of a broken heart) as living proof that she laughs often and loves deeply. Although she also appreciates a good foundation and tube of lipstick to counter the ravages of time.

I know I’m asking for trouble. Is there the slightest chance The Donald and his client would accept a real, unaltered woman?

Charlie: I love the word heroine. Society doesn’t use that word anymore. We measure people in indirect metrics, like Most Downloaded, Most Twittered, Most Blogged, Most Googled, and beyond. We’ve been waylaid on the path to Character by a team of digital bandits. To answer your question, though: I don’t think the Donald likes anything that’s real and unaltered. He seems to be most concerned with something’s price, thinking it an indication of something’s worth. Apparently he never saw Waterworld.
Ruth: Hmmm. I wasn’t aware that anyone other than Kevin Costner saw Waterworld. Go on, I couldn’t resist.

Charlie: I remember once that there was a wonderful American Express campaign where they showed celebrities in everyday moments. There was one of Kate Winslet writing at a simple wooden desk, sans-makeup and barefoot. I nearly shouted for joy. I want our woman to be so in touch with herself that she needs no cliches.
Ruth: Yes! If you saw The Reader, Winslet’s performance was riveting in the way she bared her body and soul so candidly. Yet another Oscar winner featured in that same campaign was Tina Fey. I’ll never forget what she said in her acceptance speech, “I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.”

Charlie: She’s got to be strong. She’s got to laugh. She’s got to be the sort of woman that you’d take to a summer cookout. She’s got to read books, not just magazines and blogs. She’s got to travel, but she can’t be pretentious. She has to be curious, preferring a pre-emptive smile over predetermined cynicism. She’s got to love to sing, ability or no ability. She’s got to care. Saying she’s got to be sexy, at this point, would be redundant. She already is.
Ruth: I don’t know about our hypothetical vineyard Charlie, but you’ve sold me! Before we wind up this pitch, I would inscribe each bottle’s label with an Oscar Wilde quote:

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” – Oscar Wilde

The woman that owns our brand doesn’t need applause, ratings or inflated lips to feel good about herself.  She’s transcendant, like Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl”.

Charlie: And apparently, quite thirsty. Waiter? I’d like a glass of chardonnay, please.