Charlie and Ruth sit down to have a little chat about the upcoming national spelling bee.

Ruth: Charlie, nothing gets my endorphins going like a good, old-fashioned spelling duel! In fact, two hopeful Arizona girls are heading to D.C. this week for the 82nd Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee.  Imagine being the last drone in the hive, having to spell a word like “maladroitness” to claim the prize! If you whiffed that word, wouldn’t that s-t-i-n-g?
Charlie: This brings back memories, dear Ruth. For I, in the fourth grade, was the state champion of North Carolina for the private school association. That’s right. Behold, my verbal glory. Bright, isn’t it? You should probably shield your eyes from my radiance. ‘Course, that could be the light glancing off my very own bee-shaped trophy.

Ruth: Charlie, I always wear sunglasses when writing with you! It’s tantamount to staring too long at the sun.
Charlie: I bet you can’t guess which word clinched the title for me in Greensboro, North Carolina.

Ruth: Chihuahua? That word has always dogged me.
Charlie: Knapsack. It was a simpler time.

Ruth: Clearly, you nailed it with the silent K.
Charlie: Kclearly. Therefore then, for the rest of this chat, think of me like Scott Hamilton watching an ice dance. Wait, no. Don’t think of me like Scott Hamilton watching an ice dance. Let’s go with Tiki Barber covering the Super Bowl.

Ruth: Just stop, before you take Dennis Rodman’s good name in vain!  Your knack for the vernacular is legendary, throughout greater Greensboro and parts beyond.  But let’s not sideline the story at hand. One contestant this year is the aptly named So-Young Chung of Peoria, Arizona, already on her second appearance. She insists it’s all about luck and who gets what word, but she’s hedging her bets by memorizing 15 new words every day.
Charlie: She’s right about the luck thing. These kids can only learn so many words. The Scripps folks only release to them a book called Spell It! that holds about 1200 words. One of the things most folks don’t realize is that these kids go through a multi-tiered phase of extensive paper testing and oral testing before they ever make their way onstage in front of the lights and cameras.

Ruth: Personally, I’m rooting for a dark horse, Shevelle Six. Nine-year-old Six hails from the tiny Navajo community of Window Rock. She’s never had the luxury of spellcheck, as her family doesn’t own a computer. But she bucked the odds by earning herself a berth with the word “curriculum.”
Charlie: Just goes to show you, technology has nothing to do with smarts. I think I might root with you on this one.

Ruth: Here’s what I’m really stoked about: ESPN and ABC are airing the finals, catapulting this Spelling Bee into new echelons of national notoriety. Hey, we should send them some ways to build audience share, to keep it current and boost ratings. Any ideas come to mind?
Charlie: I think you could quiz the judges on the spelling of the spellers names. It would add a whole new wrinkle to the program and level the playing field a bit. Ponder it! Judges, spelling the names of the children. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. Each year they get weirder. Try these nomenclatural gems: Pratyush Buddiga (‘02), Anurag Kashyap (‘05), or go way back for my all-time favorite, Rageshree Ramachandran (‘88). I think the judges should have to spell their names right before asking them to spell a word. If those crotchety old judges botch the spelling, the children get a free pass or a cash prize. Either that or the judge has to then come onstage and take a crack at winning words like autochthonous (‘04) or appoggiatura (‘05). And those are just the a’s.

Ruth: Could these former contestants possibly be cast members from Slumdog Millionaire? Your quiz wouldn’t just level the playing field, it would decimate it! I was actually thinking of ways to attract the ESPN crowd. Viewers that don’t normally go for this kind of mental gymnastics. ESPN already took that first step by tapping sideline hottie Erin Andrews for the play-by-play. (But can she spell pulchritudinous?) Next, I would invite Justin Timberlake and Eminem to a rap-off. First one to misspell a word has to enter rehab with Amy Winehouse. That should raise the ante! And obviously, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders must kick off the contest with a rousing cheer:
Give me a K Give me a R Give me a Z Give me a Y Give me a Z Give me an E Give me a W Give me an S Give me a K Give me an I What does that spell? COACH K!
Charlie: Harnessing the considerable intellectual power of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders is a bold notion. Although I think they would have spelled that last one C-O-A-C-H-K. I like your ideas, though I must admit I’m ferociously protective of the clearly uncool nature of the Bee. Too much pop culture and the delicious academic undercurrent that makes the Bee so spectacularly strange would be diminished. I’ve been on a rather serious simplification kick lately, no doubt some latent bit of Thoreau that finally kicked in from eleventh grade English class. Mrs. Burrell would be so happy. My point being, please, please, please, America, don’t swat our sweet little Bee.

Ruth: Ah, if only we could return to a kinder, gentler time, when the cows were lowing and the whip-poor-wills singing. But no man is an island! ABC has also joined the bandwagon by signing Tom Bergeron of “Dancing with the Stars” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos” fame to host the final championship. Apparently, he’s the only man left in the 48 contiguous States who knows how to make a wisecrack.
Charlie: And here I always thought it was Bob Saget. I should really watch more primetime television. I can see it now: John Madden comes out of retirement to give the play-by-play. “Boom! Here’s a kid that when he studies, he spells better. He would have botched that word if he hadn’t studied for it.”

Ruth: Then if all this fancy footwork doesn’t cut it,  they could resort to shock and awe tactics. Bring on Kara, the new judge from “American Idol”. When the other judges ignore her, she simply rips off her dress to reveal her country of origin.
Charlie: If you want to see a handful of mangy pre-adolescent boys forgetting their ability to ratiocinate, by all means, have Kara strip. Surely that vapid babe from E’s Wild On might also be available to show what life is like for little Raheem in Deerborne.

Ruth: Alliterative and tenacious worker bee Vaibhav Vavilala of Carmel, Indiana, is pumped up for his fourth bout at this year’s contest, in hopes of winning $37,500 in cash and prizes. If I could share just a few words with him, I’d evoke Muhammed Ali: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”.  That, and buy some time. Get the word in a sentence! Charlie, as a former featherweight word champ, would you have any parting advice for “Vibe”?
Charlie: Like the New Kids on the Block always sang: “Dangle flinty.” (That’s “hang tough” for all you Dallas Cowboys fans out there.) The 2009 Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee Semifinals airs on ESPN Thursday, May 28 at 10 am ET. The finals will be televised the same day on ABC starting at 8 pm ET.